one friend of Bill's collection of recovery humor, and preparation to overcome extreme social anxiety
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Thursday, June 9, 2011
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A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
...With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
Police officer. "Well why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"
The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
My grandmother was famous for her quick wit. Once, at a family event, my sister's date asked if he could bring her a drink.
"Yes. A Manhattan," Grandmother said.
"Okay, but you can't be our designated driver," the young man joked. "Oh, I don't drive. Never did."
...
"Why is that?" he asked.
"I knew that if you drink, you shouldn't drive. So I made the only sensible choice."
"Yes. A Manhattan," Grandmother said.
"Okay, but you can't be our designated driver," the young man joked. "Oh, I don't drive. Never did."
...
"Why is that?" he asked.
"I knew that if you drink, you shouldn't drive. So I made the only sensible choice."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
AlAnon Jokes
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
I guess you know why AL-ANONS make love with their eyes closed.
THEY CAN'T STAND TO SEE AN ALCOHOLIC HAVE FUN.
There are people who MAKE things happen. There are people who WATCH things happen. And there are people who DON'T KNOW anything has happened... (What the hell just happened!)
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
I guess you know why ALANONS make love with their eyes closed.
THEY CAN'T STAND TO SEE AN ALCOHOLIC HAVE FUN.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one - he holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.
How many Al-Anons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. They leave it alone and let it screw it's self.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
How can you tell when two alcoholics are on their second date?
There's a U-Haul in the driveway.
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine. The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released.
As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."
How do Alanon's have sex with you?
They just detach and let you screw yourself!
Ask an alcoholic what time it is?
And he'll tell you how to build a clock
How can you tell you're at an Alanon meeting?
Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up.
A new definition for 13th stepping....
Steps 1 + 12, "My life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you!"
If you're not supposed to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
W hat's the difference between an addict & an alcoholic?
Either will steal your wallet, but the addict will spend all night helping you look for it.
W hat did one co-dependent say to the other co-dependent after they got done having sex?
It was good for you, was it good for me?
A newcomer asked his sponsor about the difference between a non-alcoholic, a potential-alcoholic, and the hopeless-alcoholic, explaining that he was confused by this terminology in the Big Book. So the sponsor took the new comer to the raunchiest bar in town. Upon arriving, they stopped out back and sifted through the dumpster for flies. This seemed strange to the sponsee, but he did not question the old-timer. When they had collected enough dead flies they entered the bar. Soon a fight broke out, and everyone in the bar rushed over to watch it, except for the two AA's. The sponsor began dropping flies into beers at the bar. When the fight broke up everyone returned to their seats. One man picked up his beer, noticed the fly, and promptly asked the bartender for another draft. "That", said the sponsor "is what we call a non-alcoholic." A second man sat down, noticed the fly in his drink, tossed it aside, and drank his beer anyway. "That's what we call a potential-alcoholic", said the sponsor. The newcomer then said "If that's only a POTENTIAL-alcoholic, then what the hell is a hopeless-alcoholic?" Before he could finish a third man sat down at the bar, picked the fly out of his beer, held it up to his face, and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"
Did you hear there's a new 12-step program for people who talk too much?
It's called on-and-on-anon
What is the last thing to happen to an Al-Anon member before they die?
Someone else's life flashes before their eyes.
I guess you know why AL-ANONS make love with their eyes closed.
THEY CAN'T STAND TO SEE AN ALCOHOLIC HAVE FUN.
There are people who MAKE things happen. There are people who WATCH things happen. And there are people who DON'T KNOW anything has happened... (What the hell just happened!)
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
I guess you know why ALANONS make love with their eyes closed.
THEY CAN'T STAND TO SEE AN ALCOHOLIC HAVE FUN.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one - he holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.
How many Al-Anons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. They leave it alone and let it screw it's self.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
How can you tell when two alcoholics are on their second date?
There's a U-Haul in the driveway.
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine. The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released.
As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."
If an alcoholic says something in the forest and there's no al-anon there to hear him, is he still wrong?
How do Alanon's have sex with you?
They just detach and let you screw yourself!
Ask an alcoholic what time it is?
And he'll tell you how to build a clock
How can you tell you're at an Alanon meeting?
Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up.
A new definition for 13th stepping....
Steps 1 + 12, "My life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you!"
If you're not supposed to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
W hat's the difference between an addict & an alcoholic?
Either will steal your wallet, but the addict will spend all night helping you look for it.
W hat did one co-dependent say to the other co-dependent after they got done having sex?
It was good for you, was it good for me?
A newcomer asked his sponsor about the difference between a non-alcoholic, a potential-alcoholic, and the hopeless-alcoholic, explaining that he was confused by this terminology in the Big Book. So the sponsor took the new comer to the raunchiest bar in town. Upon arriving, they stopped out back and sifted through the dumpster for flies. This seemed strange to the sponsee, but he did not question the old-timer. When they had collected enough dead flies they entered the bar. Soon a fight broke out, and everyone in the bar rushed over to watch it, except for the two AA's. The sponsor began dropping flies into beers at the bar. When the fight broke up everyone returned to their seats. One man picked up his beer, noticed the fly, and promptly asked the bartender for another draft. "That", said the sponsor "is what we call a non-alcoholic." A second man sat down, noticed the fly in his drink, tossed it aside, and drank his beer anyway. "That's what we call a potential-alcoholic", said the sponsor. The newcomer then said "If that's only a POTENTIAL-alcoholic, then what the hell is a hopeless-alcoholic?" Before he could finish a third man sat down at the bar, picked the fly out of his beer, held it up to his face, and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"
Did you hear there's a new 12-step program for people who talk too much?
It's called on-and-on-anon
What is the last thing to happen to an Al-Anon member before they die?
Someone else's life flashes before their eyes.
Lightbulb Jokes
How many alcoholics does it take.....?
Only One, but the Light Bulb has to WANT to change.
Six--one to change the light bulb, one (preferably a sponsor) to support the ladder, and four others to share the experience.
Only one. The alcoholic stands there with the bulb at the base of the socket and waits for the light bulb to be screwed into place, because the whole world revolves around him.
He/She knows the value of working with others...
Get's them into service...
And, they change the lightbulbs
to keep from screwing themselves!!!
It only takes one Washington alcoholic fisherman to change a light bulb. But you should have seen the size of that light bulb. It was THIS big!
Only one, but first they have to admit that the old light bulb is out.
Only One, but the Light Bulb has to WANT to change.
Six--one to change the light bulb, one (preferably a sponsor) to support the ladder, and four others to share the experience.
Only one. The alcoholic stands there with the bulb at the base of the socket and waits for the light bulb to be screwed into place, because the whole world revolves around him.
He/She knows the value of working with others...
Get's them into service...
And, they change the lightbulbs
to keep from screwing themselves!!!
It only takes one Washington alcoholic fisherman to change a light bulb. But you should have seen the size of that light bulb. It was THIS big!
Only one, but first they have to admit that the old light bulb is out.
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